Week 1.5...A Brief Stop in Baltimore

On my way to a workshop in Washington DC this weekend I decided to stop at what I consider to be the 8th wonder of the world, The Baltimore Aquarium. Let me tell you, there is nothing like smoking some fine Canadian Oregano and watching the sharks swim by. After a quick nap behind the sea urchin tank I popped in to the gift shop and picked up a lovely plastic back-scratcher shaped like the jaws of a shark, then a quick walk to the Baltimore Convention Center to "borrow" some wi-fi internet access.

I am delighted my new blog is such a hit! Unfortunately today I only had time to answer one of your questions, but don't worry, I will be able to get back to each & every one of you this weekend!

Q: Dear DrGoldenbeaver.
You may remember me , Bethia used to be half of Bethia and Elvis , we did your tantric sex course in Austin tx and met afterwards for coffee at the Ihop next door,you signed my tummy .
I have a problem ,I have an obsession with platic canvas ash trays ever since I fell i love with Elvis Smith ,he would have many dotted throughout the house for his Canadian Oregano,the anticipation of will it wont it go on fire took our love life to tantric heights .Sadley he left me for Senga Cuthieblythe the cashier at my local piggly wiggly ,what can i do i am distraught and have smouldering plastic canvas all over the house .
waiting in desperation Bethia Breastie
p.s potpouri does not help

Bethia,
Anyone who would burn the magnificent art that is Plastic Canvas is a true cretin. You are lucky to be rid of him. I would love to have you join me at my next workshop in Austin, "The Erotic Pleasures of Plastic Canvas." It would be my honor to introduce you to some of the single men who will be in attendance.

...and Seriously? What sort of name is "Senga Cuthieblythe"? That is the most ridiculous name I have ever heard.

Dr. Sedgwick Goldbeaver

A Bonus Post...The Origins of Goldbeaver

Young sweet innocent thing asks an excellent question...

Your name is quite interesting....I was curious, does it have any significance such as Tailor, Taylor was common for Tailors or Baker for Bakers.... what exactly is a gold beaver?

Well, to be honest Young Sweet Innocent Thing, Goldbeaver was not my birth name. The last name given to me at birth was Finkelstein. I spent much of my teens & early 20s traveling the world with Windsong Busstock, a band of 10 amazing musicians who hail from my home town of Beaver Falls, PA. In between one of our many stops on the '69 world tour we decided to participate in a weekend retreat involving an ancient sweat lodge ritual to cleanse the spirit and achieve oneness with Mother Earth. The ritual was lead by a wise shaman, and during the course of the ritual he discovered the true spirit animal living within me was a beaver with a beautiful golden aura. After this amazing revelation he began calling me by my new spiritual name, Goldbeaver...and by the time the weekend retreat was over I had decided to adopt the name as my own, to serve as a constant reminder that we must always strive to be one with Mother Earth and respect all her creatures.

Dr. Goldbeaver

Week 1...leaving Beaver Falls, PA

Wow, what a tremendous response to my first post, two questions in under 30 minutes! I am leaving my home in Beaver Falls this evening to travel cross country teaching my tantra & plastic canvas workshops. I promise, my faithful readers, I will stop to answer your questions wherever I find free internet access and a good stash of Canadian Oregano.

Now, lets get to the questions...

Q: Maude Clemmons said...

Hi Dr. Goldbeaver!

I was wondering if you are married, or in a committed relationship?

I love making beautiful and useful objects from plastic canvas and think we might be a good match!

Most sincerely, Maude Clemmons


My Darling Maude,

I am overjoyed that you are to be the first of many "love connections" brought to me by this blog. I am currently unattached, and I would love to get to know you better. I will be holding one of my famous workshops at the Ihop on route 98 outside of Houston TX on March 1st (my how those Texans love their tantra and pancakes!) and I would be delighted if you could join us.

Tantricly Yours,
Dr. Goldbeaver

P.S. Please bring some of your plastic canvas along to the workshop. I would love to see your creations, and I promise to show you some creative new uses for them!

-----

Q: Pete E. Hardfellow said...

Dr. Goldbeaver,

I am so relieved that your blog is finally up and running (just as you promised). I've been checking each day...well, actually every hour, for your blog to be up.

OK, here is the problem. I am 38, unemployed and I live with my mother, in the basement. I try to meet girls but I get shy. I was wondering if you think I should maybe get one of those mail order brides? I have $456 saved up and I could sell my Star Wars action figures on Ebay for another $300 (but not Darth Vader with the blue saber because he's rare).

Thank you for your time?
When will you answer this? I will keep checking every 4 minutes.

Bye.

Mr. Hardfellow,

My friend, I feel your pain. Life on the road can get pretty lonely and I too have found myself longing for the love & companionship of a woman. But please remember, love is not something that can be bought or sold. Love is something that must occur naturally, and when it does it is more beautiful than a majestic eagle soaring through the sky.

I suggest you hang on to those action figures. What you need to do is find a woman who can appreciate you for who you are. Dress in your finest Imperial Army suit and take those action figures down to DragonCon 2008, and find a woman with an unhealthy fascination with Star Wars. Use the $456 you have saved to send your parents on a romantic weekend away, and invite your new love to your basement for a weekend of tantric pleasure, Star Wars-style.

May I suggest some Canadian Oregano and Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill to set the mood?

Good luck Mr. Hardfellow, and please keep me updated on your search for love.

Dr. Goldbeaver

Welcome!

Welcome to Ask Dr. Goldbeaver!

Ask Dr. Goldbeaver is a weekly column offering advice on life, love and plastic & yarn craft.

To submit questions to Dr. Goldbeaver please email askdrgoldbeaver@gmail.com or you may ask your question in the comments section of the latest post.